today is bad

thank you charyl, stephanie & geokghee for this big 'M' !!! my very belated birthday present. i was surprised somehow although you all already told me that there will be a surprise. (((:

- inside joke. wahahahahahahahahahah!

i really really really x3467864316879653163489432389413797849217645738962167829, wana SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

i need my sleep badly. i really need it. & i thought today i will be able to. but no, my brain is still working.

nobody understands why i'm keeping. i guess i'm not appreciated. i'm just a useless one. ROARRR! it's really hit me hard, so much to make me ponder excessively.
yes, i should have helped. but i see myself as the victim/culprit too. whatever yall name it. so who should help me? dont get me wrong. i'm not trying to ask people to sympatise me but everybody has their limits. everything was piling up & "BOOM", it just exploded. i hate this kinda scene.
sometimes i feel neglected too & i accepted almost all work because it somehow makes me feel that at least i'm still part of it, my presence was visible. not that i really want to do or enjoy doing or have nothing to do; & did any of you ever realise the workload given? everybody strives for their improvements. i'm striving for my own yet it never seems to me that i'm doing good. i dont find myself progressing. words from close friends are encouraging yes, but what matters is what i see myself, & whether will i be reaching my goal. i'm nearing it i guess? 40% more? i'm trying to talk less, listen & learn more. at the same time giving everybody equal chances. funny though when there's so many of us in my group. others get to do 100 less than an hr? & us? hah. progress fast? 3 of us are really trying very hard.
besides larry, i trust both of my bases in doing my btosses. that's how much i'm proud of both of you. not forgetting my shoulder-stand partners, great core muscles.

the worse news i got today was: i've a different timetable with nadiah & christine. my 2 1/2 yrs partners for almost all projects, my all-time favourite lunching partners, my bored-lessons-but-turned-insane-when-there's-something-we-can-laugh-about partners, my always-humming-songs partners...& the list goes on. )))))))): i'm like so dependent on them? if you were me, you'll understand why. CHRISTINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, NADIAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! must call & ask me for lunch ok): i wonder if it's really god's will. nothing comes perfectly. never the best of both worlds. i still very much want to know how or what have you been doing. as far as i know, this feeling has never stopped.

i appear to be strong, not because i want to but what's the point of showing people that you're affected by some things? to make people empathise? make the one feel guilty? trying to show that you're innocent? some attention you need? i mean, of cos in one way or another, sometimes, these are in fact needed. but for me, cos i'm in a state of shock or i'm accused, & if its really affecting me - take a break & then start again. let's not mention about relationships. i'm a cow for that; be it character or what-so-ever.
but hey, i think it's ironic when people make themselves feel noticable in their ways of doing things, the things they say, the words they use, language etc. it's just the way different people behave i suppose.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY,
CHERYL TEO MAN PING!