you

i really dont understand what is this. what is happening between us? what is happening between everything. is it you that have really changed? is it really you? it hurts. it hurts like hell. it hurts FAR MORE than hell. it's more than just thousands of needles piercing through my heart. it's more than a dagger stabbing. it's much more, so much more. best friends? hah.

i've cried helplessly, not bcos i wana show & gain pity, but i hope i can forget everythg & be a stronger person. nobody knows, nobody understand how i feel. i'm going paranoid. i hate acting in front of you, in front of friends, in front of everybody just to let them know i'm ok, bcos i'm not. i tried to talk about every other things except you. i tried to think of every other things except you. i've even tried to chatter non-stop just not to think of you.

the things you do, the things you like, the things you dislike, the things you'd look out for. the things you would say....everything is still intact in my mind.

i dont understand why do you seem so happy with your life. i dont understand how are you able to cope with all these changes in just a wink. i hate to see you happy, i hate to see your smile, i hate to hear your laughters. i just.....ARGH. i know i'm selfish. i've said to let go and here i am not doing so. but just tell me how am i suppose to when things are not going my way. things are that bizarre. everything goes wretched.

i cant spend time alone. i see us everywhere. ppl say it's not worth it, but you are. ppl say you are worthless, but you are not. ppl say so many things, but it didnt affect me at all. until i understand that you are not you anymore. you are no longer mine. you are no longer predictable. you - someone to let go. if you really love me, you would have stand by. you would have shown your concern. you would have....

but i guess i'm not that somebody in you. your heart is soaring everywhere & not to mine. you are back to the same old you 18 months & 11 days ago. & now, i supposed i'm erased & deleted from you.

my heart aches badly, but who knows? it aches not bcos you did things upsetting. it aches bcos you dont care, you're not the same, you upset me, you broke all your promises that you've made right from the start. most imporantly, you broken my trust. i've said right from the start that i was very afraid to hand someone my trust. but you made me trust you. you said that i could trust you. you siad that you will never take back your words. & you did. at that very moment, you did it all just by saying no. you....

i fucking hate changes.

thank everybody

at all times, fever now? ARGH. sexy voice + nose block + phlegm.

MOS on friday was miserably fun f me. i was acting lyk i had fun, but no. i dont. somebody who was always there t give me e concern, wasnt there. aft all these times, i guess i can b a very good actress. i go weak when thgs r happening within us, however i'm fighting hard t b e same old me. now i know why there're ppl crying in clubs.

you gave me more than i ever wanted. i was not the good partner. i was a burden t u; adding more stress. i held many expectations. i cldnt give u ur freedom. i didnt understand you. i......ARGH! i really regret letting my feelings known on tt damn 6 pgs of paper.

i thank you for:

- making me feel very special.

- loving me.

- all those wonderful memories.

- taking my requests in consideration.

- all ur hugs & kisses.

- making me feel wanted.

- all the care & concern.

- always being there when i need a listening ear.

- always encouraging me.

- always sparing a thought f me.

- ur breakfasts.

- all e 16 roses & additional 6 - 3 on valentines, 3 on my bdae.

- taking millions & millions of pictures with me.

- shopping with me.

- bringing me t so many places i've nv been t.

- going with me t genting.

- sending me home without fail everyday.

- appearing at my doorsteps unsuspectedly.

- tolerating my nonsense & attitude.

- bringing me t experience e feel of catching prawns.

- always allowing me t think of places t go.

- e saga seeds.

- all ur cards, hand-made coupons, 1 yr certificate.

- the heart-shaped-straws christmas tree.

- all e movies we'd watched tgt.

- kiaping f me e winnie e pooh & e minnie mouse.

- getting me e mango jeans.

- the watch. thanks f e winnie e pooh rose.

- the winnie e pooh keychain.

- mian bao chao ren glue cover.

- the binder which u said it was a ring.

- the mos burger plushIe.

- the lollipops u bought f me when u make me angry.

- the dior eyeshadow.

- elf lip glosses, mascara & eyeshadow.

- 2 ripcurl wallets

- the earings/ear studs.

- the 2 naval studs.

- nike bag.

- food u've supplied me with.

- cooking & home-made jellies.

- those fake flowers u got me frm town.

- spending so much time on me.

i thank you f allowing me t understand love.

i thank youf sealing our moments with a hug & a kiss.

BUT i do not thank you for:

-not fulfilling ur commitments

-making me tear

-filled me with disappointments.

-leaving me

-making me bleed profusely inside

thanks t those who were willing t lend me their shoulders & ears.
thanks leon f e extra extra listening ears.
thanks joy f hitting my head.
thanks cy f acc-ing me t slp.
thanks nic, stanley, alan aka ron/ sky, keith, rain f making e night filled with my miserable laughters.

thanks blazers f watching me tear.
thanks kleenex f suppling me e tissues.

thanks leon f e home-made-salty dinner.

thanks leon agn f crying with me.

to leon: i'm sorry i love him. you didnt contribute t any of the break-up. it was all within me & him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA.

it's more than a bleeding heart.

bye boyfriend, hi best friend

my legs are aching aft a 1hr walk from tp t bedok north st 2. anybody free massage?

you now have your freedom to fly,
and i shall take whatever that lies.

i hope i didnt make the wrong decision. even if i did, it's too late.
you're still my best friend(:

VIRGO WOMAN

She will be similar to Leo woman in appearance. A slim woman who walks with confident and proud. She has an egg shape facial structure, high and round forehead. She likes to look straight as if she is searching. She is not a pretentious type and will always say what she thinks.

You will see Virgo woman walks fast. She will try her best to be perfect, to look perfect and to feel perfect even though there is no such perfection. She is very delicate of what and how she dress. She is bright and easily despair with obstacles. She likes smart guy who will be compatible with her, so if you are a rich dumb guy, you can forget about her right now.

She is not a very possessive or jealous person for she expect respect from her love one. She does not like a part time lover, or a temporary mate. If she finds her dream man, she will not go away. If she does not like you, she will always keep a certain distant. Act proper and appropriate is her discipline.

She does not like and can not stand bad languages, cursing words or phrase.

She likes a gentleman who open the doors for her. She wants to feel protected and when a man taking care of her, she will feel like a complete woman.

She memorizes everything about other people and about herself very well. She can really keep secret, you can trust her on this. She likes a refreshing and a mild scent. She is very delicate in maintaining her beauty, so you could see she is seriously picking soap which match and most suit her skin.

Do not comments her on this very picky habits, it is her happiness in working full times as a self beautifier.

She is not an innocent angle for sometimes she can be as tough as steel. Even she easily despair, she is not the type to cry over it. She is a shy type, so making speech in front of the room can make her nervous even she walks and talks confidently.

She only search for true love , not just any love. Her love is an ideal one. She likes to think no one is neater and as effective as her, which can irritate you sometimes for there is no such thing. She likes sweet talk, but she can slip and say something unpredictable and unbearable to you too. When she stops getting mad, she will totally forget what she just said and be an angle again. If you have a date with her , you'd better be there on time.

Flowers and sweet word can calm her down. If you want to say sorry , make it brief and straight forward. Do not drag your apologetic words into a long making it up events, it could lead you to another world war. She likes her man to dress nice and clean. She is good in details especially with money. Do not make she thinks that she is a clown or funny.

In the beginning of knowing her, please try not to glance at other pretty woman so much. Early period of dating her, try not to hold her so much in public, it would not be a proper thing to do. She loves books, stage play and music and likes to criticize about them too.

Criticism woman is her icon including big and small things in life starting from your hair, your dress , and the way you talk. If you are in love with her, be as almost perfect as your can.

this is VERY EXTREMELY TRUE FOR ME. all wordings match.

aft reading e bit on yours...i'm beginning to understand.

it's harder than i thought.

but michelle, you can...

toiletttt

RANDOM PHOTOS

-this is not the only one):

-this is my sister. his/her name is kian hwee.

-I HATE THIS PERSON WHO DREW THIS! he has got so much accuracy tt he drew it right in e middle! i predict tt 'he' is a he cos girls r not tt pervertic/psychotic.

-when one goes crazy.......

-town with cy & leon (:

-FAEZAH SO CUTE! & e extra mark behind.

i've got food poisoning): it's the x46843139799 times i've been t e toilet. since morning, aft every interval of 15 mins, i'll cry f e toilet. argh! i tried t bear all of it during work, in which i lengthen e time t every 30-45 mins. GAH!

bought subway melt f xiaogu. she likes it & requested bringing some more nx tym. -.- i brought 5 cookies, & ate half of 1. all the others were swallowed down by my uncle.

-she will be one beautiful girl(:

-camwhoring...SHYEN DEMANDED.
-my creation(:

aunty margaret is coming back tml from france. hope she can help me with my french. but i doubt so, cos most of e time, i guess she will b laughing at my struggling-helplessly-however-still-unable-to-correct-myself pronuonciations.

PS: i forgot t thank coach in my previous entry thou i've said much abt her.

we spent our 16th month in kbox & had new york new york <3<3<3

. . .there's r tremendous changes. i miss you though you are standing right in front of me.

in conclusion, my most look-a-like celebrities r song hye-kyo and aya matsuura. ya, in my dreams, i know.

1 year 4 months

HAPPY 16 MONTHSARY, my VIP!

there were full of misunderstandings, full of changes tt i'm not ready t accept,

but at least i know - you still care<3

performance was a total success. not a total, but we were proud of ourselves. actually, i'm not v happy with my own performance, cos i KNOW i can do much much better. especially e elevator hitch. i really felt bad & pissed when joy fell. but...let bygones be bygones. no point holding grudges when we're still a team. but i'm stil very pissed. not bcos of why/how she fell, but why wasnt she helped during e fall. ARGH. watever. i'm v pleased t c e smile on coach's face. though there's a little disappointment on e dance, but she's happy we'd pulled through enough with our lovable smiles! oh ya, not t mention, coach did praise my grp's twist-up elevator & e popping. woooohooooooo~ credits shall go to ALL - cy, wenminn, joy & zubair.

i cant wait t c e video agn. geeeeeee.

i'm lazy now. BYE.

PS: i saw coach at citylink just now. bf said he didn mind his gal older. *tsk (wad an ass)

hatred

this is one emo entry. click e 'x' button if u do nt wish t upset urself.

i hate myself. i hate everythg. i'm gonna hate everythg tt comes ard.

u're just making me more exhausted compared t wad i'm ardy am. u're just doubling it, tripling it. like i said, i'm nt angry. just VERY disappointed on all those thgs u've done. though there r small, almost insignificant, bt all of them add up t form 1 huge piece.

thanks cy f walking with me frm temasek poly t bedok north street 2. <3

thanks leon f always willing t share a pair of listening ears, bt i dun need it now. i want time alone.

irony of it all; my own boyfriend doesnt noe wad is happening when i need him e most.

forgive & forget; give in & accept

i'm lazy t blog. so why am i here? cos i've got nth t do. :p

just finish researching on my ISO audits. it consisted of 3 pages. gahhh. more if i hadnt edit them.

brief of what i did ytd. swim, met leon, long john's, slack, talk, joke, laugh, home, eat, toilet rounds, french hw, read my book, zzZzzzZzzz.

i've been going t e toilet many times since ytd. my tummy is still hurting):

i've finally did some work since sch started. LOL. i feel more...in school. i paid attn during lects too(: michelle will be a good girl. no, she is a good girl. LOL. e french thgy is stil not on my blackboard!! i cant download those recordings!!!!

subway stil hasnt call me f work): they dowan me ardy larr....i'm broke nx month. anybody wana feed me? :p good thing chonghwee intro me a job at tis sunday. some tens better than none.

off t do ORGCOMM. byeee!

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Your Love is Based on Affection

Your need for love is very primal and basic. You can't imagine living without love. And for you, love is something that's best expressed through touch. You're always up for a hug or a cuddle. And you feel a bit rejected when you don't get enough affection. Whether you're sharing a blanket or sharing an order of fries, you thrive when you're close to the person you love. Why your love can last: You express your love freely and frequently Why your love can fail: You can come off as clingy, and this freaks people out

What Is Your Love Based On?

Virgo - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: You're incredibly thoughtful and able to give your partner what they need most. You are totally logical. You can deal with problems without involving your emotions. A good work ethic. You'll do whatever it takes (within reason) to make your relationship work. Your negative traits: Sometimes you are so focused on your goals that you let your relationships suffer You tend to be a perfectionist - and expect perfection from your mate as well You are picky. So picky that you rather be single than with someone who has a few minor faults. Your ideal partner: Values success in life as much as you do Fits a checklist of qualities you've been looking for since childhood Like you, is more practical and realistic than romantic Your dating style: Active. You're a bit hyper, so you'd prefer a date that involved rollerblading in the park or hiking. Your seduction style: You may seem a bit shy, but once you open up to someone - you're totally uninhibited You like to set the scene first - candles, music, nice sheets A bit obsessed with cleanliness, you may want to shower first with your love Tips for the future: Soften up a little. Vulnerability is sexy - and feels great over time. Lower your standards a little. Look past a messy desk or someone being five minutes late. Praise your partner more. You make expect them to be successful, but complements are still appreciated. Best color to attract mate: Navy blue Best day for a date: Wednesday

What's Your Love Profile?

You Are a Soft Kisser

Your kissing style is understated, but effective You give soft, sweet, and soulful kisses. And the key is, you only give kisses to someone incredibly special Because you don't just go around kissing anyone

What's Your Kissing Style?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. In relationships, you tend to be a bit selfish. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

How Are You In Love?

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle. But you may be ready in a couple of years. You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment. And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

preparations f performance

i thought quarrels are meant to bring both closer. i'm sick & tired of everything, really. i'm thinking of whether to give up. but whatever it is, i know i cant; i know i cant bear to. cos my heart is still with you. we spent lotsa time together - joy, fun, disappointment, sadness, ups&down. what more could i ask for when someone is willing to spend & share all these with me. in a glimpse, everthing changed. yes, i know abt e stability you'd said. but all these changes happened too fast, happened too sudden tt, no, i'm not ready for all. do u get it in? no doubt, my stubborness boiled thgs up, but i thought you know me well; you know me inside-out. i thought you know tt all these will go after i've calmed down with all of your coax-ing. i never thought that being disappointed was a totally different thing when you're sad. disappointment brings alot more heartaches. as i said, no matter how long this is gonna take, i'm gona bear them all. cos i know i cant implement on what i thought i will. i'm not prepared f anything.

sch is not good. i duno what my lectrs r talking abt though it's ardy e 2nd wk. gahhh! there's no more enthusiasm in studying, & tt's bcos, none of e subj interest me): but no, i'm stil gona mug hard cos i dowana come back f sub papers. i mean..i'm going f OSIP & not gona take a plane back if i reali hav a sub paper. do it once, a good one & tt will b it.

training has been...... i'm in tension. i'm reali afraid tt my stunts will not go up during e performance. there's so much to do, yet so little time. e music is fast, there's no replay. we cant stop e music just bcos one stunt is not up. TIMING IS SO IMPT! & i hate my popping. i hate it real bad. it's sucky. i dun understand why my popping nv turns out right. joy/cheryl, both didn hav any air time. i'm considering if i shld carry weights. LOL. for e nx tues-fri/mon-wed trainings, i WILL TRAIN EXTREMELY HARD for my popping & twist-up elevator.

oh..i forgot t state in my previous post tt dannyWong asked t arrange a gathering. so girls, suggestions? those who wana make it pls inform me. it'll probly be on dec hols(: .

duh

i feel tt we are drifting, really drifting. it's not just recently, you shld noe it very well urself. i miss you so much though i'm seeing u almost 5 days a week. i dun feel close t u anymore. i'm sorry. i'm not emo-ing, i'm not trying t b funny, i'm not stubborn. but please, think about it urself.

went out with leon & cy(: glad tt they make frens. i was really afraid tt they cldn get along, but i noe both of their personalities so i cld raftly gauge. had 3 subway cookies shared with cy. yumyum. saw mr wong AGAIN. brought leon t c him this tym round cos mr wong requested t. anyway, i shld stop calling him mr wong cos he asked me not to. -.- &oh, HE'S MARRIED!! this dumb dumb nv inform us; it's just a few mths ago. gahhhhhh! nvm, i've hit him hard f not informing(; i wanted t play, but i was wearing a damn tube. argh argh argh! i shot 3 times & danny snatched e ball frm me, demanding tt i shld not play anymore just in case my tube will drop off. -.- saw gordon too(: . didn expect tt gordon & leon were gd buddies, when both were my "sisters".

when i have time, you dun seem t have time, whereas when you have time, you'll tend to go out with your friends. i'm not stopping you or anythg. but i'm really tired.

walked ard tm, cs & had bubbletea. sat outside & we toked & played while he cld hav a puff. bahhhhhhhhhhh! i didnt really c him smoke until today. anyway, hope cy did not feel left out. i'm sorry cy, but i introduced u t a new fren. i hav no intention of leaving u alone going home, but i was afraid tt u wld feel double left-out, nono, triple cos we were gonna meet more ppl tt u do not noe.

acc leon home t change while i used his toilet. his mum was s nice t hurry leon's bro out cos my pee was leaking out soon. LOL. walked t 209. same old ppl were there, changes were - most of them were botak. haha. manfred was stil as big size as ever, calvin waist is stil smaller than mine thou he's 180cm, guang yu & eugene shooting were stil as accurate, & those tampines east/changkat old birds - always aggressive. e uncles are stil there playing, commenting, looking, shouting, but i didnt c ah-zjui & i forgot e other uncle name. both taught me ltruckloads of stuffs. seeing them play really itch me. as they played, i was thinking why didn i go f e selection. argh, just f e thought f changing a new cca; is it worth it? i was taught sooo much, & everythg goes down e drain. is tt really wad i wanted? this thg nv fails t trigger e inside of me.

though cheerleading is not my passion, but e bonding is really strong which makes me happy, makes me stay & makes me enthusiastic abt what we'll be learning. cheerleading has nv ending stunts & tumbling t learn, & tt wad makes me stay on too bcos, i love challenges(: ! tt's abt e same thg as bball bcos, i'll always meet different ppl when i play a game. nobody has e same tricks/skills. & tt's e challenge f me(: !

leon sent me home aft tt. reached hm & sweetie was at my house. shyen!! she's naughty, but adorable, nv fails t irritate me however, makes all of us laugh with all her cheeky moves.

i'm afraid it's lyk a one-sided kinda thg. i'm not thinking much. i'm trying v hard t get myself occupied. & no doubt, i feel happier. but dun u c e difference in us? i yearn for us back, e same old happy times; nv ending chatting abt every single thg.