you

i really dont understand what is this. what is happening between us? what is happening between everything. is it you that have really changed? is it really you? it hurts. it hurts like hell. it hurts FAR MORE than hell. it's more than just thousands of needles piercing through my heart. it's more than a dagger stabbing. it's much more, so much more. best friends? hah.

i've cried helplessly, not bcos i wana show & gain pity, but i hope i can forget everythg & be a stronger person. nobody knows, nobody understand how i feel. i'm going paranoid. i hate acting in front of you, in front of friends, in front of everybody just to let them know i'm ok, bcos i'm not. i tried to talk about every other things except you. i tried to think of every other things except you. i've even tried to chatter non-stop just not to think of you.

the things you do, the things you like, the things you dislike, the things you'd look out for. the things you would say....everything is still intact in my mind.

i dont understand why do you seem so happy with your life. i dont understand how are you able to cope with all these changes in just a wink. i hate to see you happy, i hate to see your smile, i hate to hear your laughters. i just.....ARGH. i know i'm selfish. i've said to let go and here i am not doing so. but just tell me how am i suppose to when things are not going my way. things are that bizarre. everything goes wretched.

i cant spend time alone. i see us everywhere. ppl say it's not worth it, but you are. ppl say you are worthless, but you are not. ppl say so many things, but it didnt affect me at all. until i understand that you are not you anymore. you are no longer mine. you are no longer predictable. you - someone to let go. if you really love me, you would have stand by. you would have shown your concern. you would have....

but i guess i'm not that somebody in you. your heart is soaring everywhere & not to mine. you are back to the same old you 18 months & 11 days ago. & now, i supposed i'm erased & deleted from you.

my heart aches badly, but who knows? it aches not bcos you did things upsetting. it aches bcos you dont care, you're not the same, you upset me, you broke all your promises that you've made right from the start. most imporantly, you broken my trust. i've said right from the start that i was very afraid to hand someone my trust. but you made me trust you. you said that i could trust you. you siad that you will never take back your words. & you did. at that very moment, you did it all just by saying no. you....

i fucking hate changes.